kansas, let me go.

 i love you. 

i love you with every shedding hair, and lost pound. i love you with every sleepless night. i love you with the trees at 5am when i know you’re awake somewhere. i love you with every meal i skip, and cigarette i smoke to numb the hunger. i love you with every mascara wand and concealer i apply. i love you. 

i miss you. 

i miss you with every song we used to love. i miss you with every text i’ve reread. i miss you with every car that looks like yours. i miss you with every glance in the mirror, like your face is staring back at me. i miss you. 

i hate you. 

i hate you with the raging wind of anger that followed you, and the wild tornado of passive aggression that tore us apart. i hate you with every memory you gave and ripped from me. i hate you with every heated argument and every cold silence. 

I feel everything for you at once, like the storm is made of lightning and thunder and rain and wind, i am made of you. 

i feel the dry heat of the desert under your stare, and hear your voice in my head like a state i can’t escape from. i am trapped between hot and cold, love and hate, heal and hurt, lost and found. 

i am dorothy, enamored by oz, but somehow still missing kansas. i don’t want the red heels, because i’ve made a home in oz, but kansas, goddamn do i miss it. 

The weather is terrible, and the cyclone is around the corner. It’s a lonely, windy place. oz is euphoric and colorful and comforting. but how am i to find peace in oz when i’ve never known peace at all. 

kansas was my tornado and i found comfort in the storm. i don’t want to click my heels and go back, i want to kick my heels and forget. i want to feel safety between the colors and the flowers in oz. 

kansas, you stole my peace. and oz isn’t as beautiful when my mind is turning against me. but is it really mine, if kansas is screaming for me from the core of it? 

kansas, let me go. i don’t want to need reassurance to feel wanted, and i don’t want to feel like a burden in oz. i just want to feel comfortable because goddamnit i’m not in kansas anymore.