6:30am at the bottom of the sea.

 what am i allowed to need, or want? who sets the rules and limits, how does this work? i would love to know how much, is too much? 

i want to sleep through the night, i need someone beside me. i want to eat twice a day, i need someone to remind me that food is important and i’ll look healthier if i have some. 

this needing i do gets really exhausting, this wanting i do gets really old. 

i am the rustling of the trees and the chirp of the crickets. it’s nice at first, almost peaceful. but after a while, the rustling sounds like tv static, and the chirps seem repetitive. it gets annoying. i get annoying. 

i am the condensation on a cup of cold water, and the steam from a warm mug. you don’t think it’ll bother you, but it makes a mess, or it’s just a little too warm. it’s inconvenient. i am inconvenient. 

i am the creaking floor in a silent house, and the candle you forgot to blow out. it’s quiet until you press too hard, and it’s not a problem until it burns the house down. it’s unfortunate. i am unfortunate. 

annoying, inconvenient, unfortunate. 

needy, in the way, broken and in need of repair.

need, need, need. 

i didn’t realize just how damaged i was, or how much care i required. it was never brought to my attention. and now i feel like i’ve been plunged into the deep end of the pool. and all that’s at the bottom is all of my issues, my needs, my wants. 

i thought hugs were supposed to be few and far between. i thought my nightmares were normal. i thought my walls were supposed to be this high. 

i never realized i could fill the whole sea with all my issues, wants, and needs. i realized hugs don’t have to be few and far between. 

but the thing is, one or two hugs in 24 hours, is still only 20 seconds out of the day. 

the thing is, my issues are mine. the nightmares, the tears, the anxiety, the pain, the insomnia. they are my cross to bear. so i hold back. 

i cry in the shower now, so it’s silent. i make a plate for lunch, and most days it finds a new home in the garbage where no one else will see. i battle the insomnia on my own at night. i write, or read, or cry, and just wait for the nightmares to start, because my brain doesn’t know the difference between rest, and restless sleep, right? because if i made a plate, i don’t have to eat it too, right? because you didn’t really cry if no one else heard it, right? because my issues are mine to deal with, and if you’re quiet you can’t possibly be annoying, right? because i can’t let my own insomnia keep someone else up, or inconvenience them, right? because pain is less unfortunate to everyone else, if i hide it with a smile, right?

this sea im drowning in, will not let me breathe. 

i hold back. i try to need as little as possible. i try to want as little as possible. i hold back. i’ll settle for 20 seconds out of a day if it means you’ll still love me tomorrow. i’ll toss the plate if it means someone else will remind me how flat my stomach looks. i’ll cry in the shower if it means no one else feels responsible for wiping my tears. i wouldn’t, haven’t, and won’t, ask for more than the bare minimum. so yes, i am settling, at the bottom of the sea with all my issues, wants, and needs. trying to just get through it, and reach the surface on my own. as many times as i want to ask for help, i think i could drown in that one reoccurring thought. as many times as i need a hug, the ocean floor would have a foot tall layer of my wants for affection. 

i hold back, and it drowns me, but i’ll gladly drown alone if it means everyone around me is breathing on the surface. my issues, wants, and needs are an anchor and i am not strong enough to pull it up alone, so let me drown.