all this jewelry.

 heart.

 this organ, this symbol. dictates most decisions, relationships, emotions. this heart of mine, has dragged me to hell and back. but more importantly, it lets me feel every human emotion. it lets me feel love, and sunlight, and joy. it beats faster when im scared, warning my body to protect itself, it slows down and lets me know that im comfortable and protected by the people im with. it stops and skips a beat when i feel excited. this heart, reminds me i am alive. this heart, knows how to love, but she struggles to accept that she could be loved as well. she slows down and lets me breathe, but she speeds up the moment im alone. she lets my brain overtake her and create ludicrous theories and scenarios, all of which would never really happen. this heart of mine, feels betrayed. every other organ in my tiny body fights her. my head, my stomach, my lungs. even my limbs are against her. i used to scratch at my chest, right over my heart, until it was raw and red. i finally stopped doing that a few months ago, my chest is clear of scratch marks and my heart feels lighter somehow. i've gone back to fidgeting with this necklace instead of plucking at my skin and trying to claw my heart out. 

wrist.

my left wrist was always the one i used to checked my pulse, to see if my heart was truly beating as fast as it felt. it was always the one i wrapped my fingers around to see if my thumb and my middle finger still overlapped.  i didnt always do that, but once i started it was hard to stop. it was like my heart was telling me all along it wasn't right, but she sent that heart beat as a "please stop killing me" kind of sign. like she was saying, "hey im still beating for you, please take care of me". it wasnt about the number on the scale, it was about the corners and crevices of my bones showing clearly through my thin skin. and now its about the healing, its a reminder. the scars that were there are faded and invisible. the corners of my bone there, are less prominent. i still wrap my fingers around my wrist, but its to adjust my bracelet, or check for growth. my left wrist is a reminder that it's going to get better. i've gone back to fidgeting with my bracelet, instead of tracing my scars and bone. 

fingers.

my fingers used to be something i was too aware of. like they were pudgy and short, and my nails were jagged and chewed to the skin. the edges always picked red and raw, and sometimes bleeding. i wore long sleeves to hide my wrists and fingers. and now i buy tank tops, and i dress my hands in rings, new and old, yours and mine, silver or gold. i paint my nails and let them grow. i use these fingers to transfer all my positive energy to those around me. i use these nails to gently caress my arm before bed, as opposed to trying to claw my heart from my chest with them. instead of plucking at the skin around them, i spin the rings, and pull them on and off. i've gone back to fidgeting instead of drawing blood from my own temple. 

i used to hate wearing jewelry, especially the sentimental kind. but it seems to be my saving grace recently. giving me love to remember when i see my wrist. and giving me comfort and a good way to cope when i feel my chest. giving me something to spin on my fingers when i shake with anxiety. all of them are reminders that i can get better, reminders that im worth love or at least worth life. to me this is progress, and i couldn't have gotten to this point without learning to accept love, and help, when i need it. im still working on it, but all this jewelry, all these ways im coping. remind me im not as alone as i always feel, and its not as hard to get better when there's people who are trying to show you that you're worth it.